My Mom

My mom retired yesterday. She has taught for 44 years.

44 years. That simply amazes me.

What is even more amazing, she wasn't really ready to retire. She said she really wanted to go one more year. You see, she still loves going to work/school/her job everyday. Still. loves. it. everyday.

Most people don't even like their job/career. My mom loves hers and was always excited to go.

My sisters and I are having a party for my mom in June. She initally wasn't sure about having a party but I insisted. Here's why... My mom wrote her friends obituary a few years ago when he passed. It was eloquent and thoughtful, full of spirit and heartfelt words. I only wished he could have heard what she had to say about him, what everyone had to say. My hope for this party is my mom will hear from people how much she has meant to them, how much she has touched them. That the world is a better place because my mom woke up happy and spent her days with teenagers talking with them about the world and what they can do to change it.

Most people complain about the world and its problems. I am proud to say my mom is one person who talked the talk and walked the walk for 44 years.

BS

The older I get, the less tolerance I have for BS. Of. any. kind.

Retired

My mentor retired yesterday. She was someone I looked to for support, guidance, advice and most importantly, friendship.

My work life will never be the same.

Sometimes

I feel like I'm still in middle school.

Middle school, which was junior high back when I was in school, sucked. I didn't get most of what my peers were talking about .... tv shows, teen idols, etc etc etc. This not getting it sometimes left me feeling sad and frustrated while at other times, smug. Smug because I didn't watch the "crap" shows my peers were watching or listen to the teen beat music my peers listened to. I also didn't get caught up in the who was friends with who (today). No no no, I was different.

Smug is defined as... adjective, smug·ger, smug·gest.
1.
contentedly confident of one's ability, superiority, or correctness; complacent.

So instead of feeling sad/frustrated/less then, I felt superior and confident? While I wouldn't say confident, I did feel somewhat superior. I felt more grown up in that I intereacted more with adults and listened to music that adults listened to and read books that adults read.

So why do I feel like I'm still in middle school? Now instead of feeling smug, I mostly feel confused and left out. I still don't understand why some people are liked and others are not. Most of the time, the people I really like, really connect with, are not viewed as being "in". I continue to not understand most of my peers, especially the parents of my sons classmates.

I am slowly and painfully coming to the realization that I will never fit in with them nor will they ever like me. Most days I'm ok with that. But some days, the unease I feel is palpable.
1.
readily or plainly seen, heard, perceived, etc.; obvious; evident: a palpable lie; palpable absurdity.
2.
capable of being touched or felt; tangible.

I'm working on finding my smug.

My Birthday

I had the best day yesterday. Every few years, my birthday coincides with Mother's Day, and yesterday was one of those days.

After having a terrible argument with my husband Saturday night(can you say I am a hormonal bitch), I went to bed feeling pretty down. However, Sunday couldn't have turned out better if I do say so myself.

My oldest son went to church with me and sight read the choir anthem. He didn't even grumble when I woke him up! He blesses me so much everyday and continues to amaze with his loving spirit. My middle boy went with my husband to pick out my birthday/mother's day present. He spent some of his hard earned money on part of my present. He is generous and quick to tell me he loves me and still wants to spend time with me! My youngest son helped vacuum and clean the house. He was impressed with my birthday present and wanted to know when he could use it(typical of a 10 year old I'd say).

My boys(husband included) bought me an iPod touch! It is amazing! Alex helped me load music and Sean got the wireless internet going so we could try out the wifi.

After a meal of fajitas and red velvet cake, I feel into bed and said my nightly prayer of... thank you God for letting me be part of this amazing family.

Baby, baby

My baby is 17 today. Last night was his junior prom. He looked so handsome in his tuxedo. His date wore a darling dress - not to mention her todiefor shoes. At the after prom party, Alex won $100! I told him it was his lucky night.

Alex was a wonderful, easy baby. He slept through the night at a very young age, nursed like a champion and changed my life in so many amazing ways.

He was a happy go lucky toddler and preschooler. Very curious, very engaged in learning and very smart! He taught himself how to read and hasn't quit reading since.

He has not been a big fan of school for many years. We think it's because school is not really made for boys. Being the son of a teacher can't be easy for someone that sees through the BS of the public school system.

As a young man, Alex is very open minded and has lots of ideas and thoughts on a variety of subjects. He is VERY liberal in his thinking and beliefs ( Ü ) and is quick to debate with others why they should be too. He is incredibly musically talented and plays guitar and sings like a man much older than his years.

Alex is happy. He has many great friends and enjoys being alive. He isn't afraid to be himself anexpress his thoughts and ideas. I admire his confidence and determination. I like to think that his father and I have made a good home for him to grow up in. That we let him find out who he is and what that means - that we didn't try to make him into what we wanted.

I am a proud mother. I am so blessed to have had this young man in my life for the past 17 years. I can't wait to see what he does next!

Happy birthday Alex. I love you.

Loving what I do and doing what I love

I experienced pure joy last night. I was singing and suddenly realized how happy and free I felt. After not feeling that way for some time, it was nice to get my mojo back.

Unconditional Love

I've made a discovery. It's nothing new and I've known about this for some time. But now, I know.

As a child from a dysfunctional family, my understanding of what is normal is screwed up. I don't want to get into the whole discussion of what is normal, blah blah blah. I do want to talk about love and how in my family it was witheld and conditional.

My feelings were not regarded in the context of knowing something was wrong and unjust and that instead of anything being fixed or changed, I was ignored and shamed. My feelings of self-preservation were noted as me being a bitch and again, I was shamed. I 'm not talking about me getting my way or being allowed to do what I wanted to do. No, I'm talking about my body being my own and having boundaries that were healthy. Knowing that my parents loved me for being me and for being their child. I never felt safe. Never felt ok with being in my own body. Never felt ok just being me.

I've never felt loved like that. Not by my parents. And this weekend, I saw how it continues to affect me. How unhealthy and off-center I still am/can be. I am going to be 45 in one month and I am STILL hounded by my unhealthy childhood.

ugh.

So, unconditional love. I will work everyday to love myself unconditionally and make damn sure that my own children know that I love them in the manner that I deserved and didn't get. No shaming, no demeaning, no belittling.

Love is all you need. Love is all I need.

Orlando

What a trip. Quite interesting for a variety of reasons. Traveling with people you don't "really" know is difficult and stressful.

The weather however was gorgeous. Absolutely, positively gorgeous.

I don't know how

I'm going to tell my youngest boys why I couldn't come to the movie with them.

Today I had to do one of the hardest things I've done in a long, long time. My oldest called to tell me our cat was not acting well. He was crying and that was my cue to come directly home.

I was on my way to meet my boys at the theater. They were already there with friends and I was to join them. Instead, I took my oldest and our cat to the vet where we had to have the conversation about what to do with our desperately ill cat.

Watching a 16 year old cry is awful. Yes, I've seen him cry before, but this time, it was painful.

Part of having pets(in my adult mind) is knowing that they can get sick and die and cost a lot of money, etc etc etc. But, we still take all of this on because the joy and love they give and bring to your family is so worth the price.

Except today, having to make the decision to put our cat down and having my son hear me make that decision was ... I can't even think of a word strong enough to describe the heartache.

Maci was loved. My sons loved her, my husband loved her and I loved her. She was a different cat, not very friendly except on her terms(similar to my 16 and 12 year old). Even though she was with us a short time, we will miss her.

I'm so tired

(I feel like) I haven't slept a wink. (anyone get it?)

I need to change my life. I'm not happy with how I look or feel.

The time has come.

Spring Break '08

This spring break is working out well so far. It's warm enough to play outside and have the windows open during mid day. Also warm enough to wear shorts with a sweat shirt.

My job for this break is to clean out my garage. I don't want this job and can't seem to get anyone to let me quit. ugh.

Yes We Can

Have you seen this yet?

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=jjXyqcx-mYY

I have to post the link because I'm a dork and I don't know how else to post a video.

anyway.... enjoy!

I voted yesterday.

While I was at the polling place, a woman came in to vote and said she had forgotten her id and didn't have anything on her but her cell phone to prove who she was. They let her vote anyway.

They. let. her. vote. anyway.

If a bunch of older women(older women running the polling place) will break the rules so BLATANTLY, why do we all act so surprised when children, youth, adults, etc... break rules. Why?

Bite Me and Color Me Proud

This illness that I have- the crud, cold, walking-death, plague, WHATEVERTHEHELL it is, can bite me.

ugh.

I spent the entire weekend(except for the funeral and church) in bed. I haven't done that since I was on bed rest with my last baby and he is working on being 10 years old in May. While in bed, I did get some great reading in. I read "The Other Boleyn Girl" and loved loved loved it.

Reading that book made me reflct on how glad I am that I live in the time that I do. Not only did I get to marry the man I fell in love with, I got to decide on my major in college, apply for MY OWN credit cards, and raise my children in the manner that their father and I think is best.

My 2 oldest boys played guitar and sang in church this past Sunday. Middle son is just learning how to play guitar. He's been singing in the shower the songs his praise band played on Sunday. My heart was full listening to him sing(he would kill me if he knew I was listening). My oldest boy played and sang one of my favorite songs ever- "Doubting Thomas" by Chris Thiele. Oldest was amazing. I am so proud of him.

Of course the whole time I sat there and watched them do their thing, I was miffed that I had forgotten my camera at home. But this way, instead of looking at them through a camera, I got to watch with my eyes and listen with my heart.

I'll ask the youth director for pictures.

Bold What You've Done

01. Seen the Grand Canyon
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain:
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars literally.
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Eaten alligator
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Been to Austria
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sang karaoke top four favorite karaoke songs?
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married (18 years and counting…)
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone - does my family room count? Ü
92. Been in a marching band
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently (French, but not really fluently)
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Passed out cold
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Driven on the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking (DAILY)
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds - not 100 but quite a bit of weight
107. Ridden on a boat down the Danube River
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Dyed your hair
115. Shaved your head
116. Caused a car accident
117. Been elected to public office
118. Skipped all your school reunions
119. Built your own PC from parts
120. Gone back to school
121. Read the Iliad and the Odyssey (Just the Odyssey)
122. Ridden a horse
123. Eaten Kangaroo meat
124. Had stitches and staples
125. Toured castles in Europe England and Scotland.
126. Had your picture in the newspaper
127. Eaten sushi
128. Sold your own artwork to someone you didn’t know
129. Published a book
130. Written poetry
131. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
132. Fired a rifle, shot gun or pistol
133. Had major surgery
134. Had a snake as a pet
135. Gone on an African safari
136. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
137. Visited more foreign countries than US states
138. Visited all 7 continents
139. Lived in a foreign country for more than a year
140. Been swimming in the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans
141. Been to Niagara Falls
142. Lived on both sides of the Mississippi river
143. Sang in a foreign language in front of an audience .
144. Been to the Berlin Wall
145. Taught a child to read
146. Been a DJ (Just in my own home

It's Been 18 Years

18 years ago today, I told the man I loved that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

I still do.

Christmas Break 2007

It wouldn't be a holiday break without some illness that wiped out my entire family now would it!

Rotovirus is not something you want to be exposed to, trust me.

Trust. me.

Here's something I didn't know....

Your Inner European is Irish!

Sprited and boisterous!You drink everyone under the table.

Who's" Your Inner European?

I love my job.

I really do. A lot. But. I was SO ready for a break.

I still don't have all the presents I need. The sweater for my sister remains difficult to find. Also, we need one more present for my middle boy.

I tried a new recipe this week. It's Bailey's Fudge. It is sooooooo good!