Diagraphs and Blends

I spent the month of June teaching a student(2 actually) all about diagraphs and blends. I am pleased with their progress and take pride in my part of the process.

Only 2 more days and the summer is all mine.

Summer School

5 more days and it's over.

And I am ready.

Today

I gave my husband a disc golf set for Father's Day. He is also getting a new gadget from the boys, but this gift, was from me. He took our two youngest sons to try it out this afternoon and they had a great time. When I got home from play practice, I heard all about throwing the discs, hopping the creek and how much they all improved their throws.

My husband grew up without a father. Well, he had a father but he wasn't a dad. His father drank(still does) and was not nurturing or a good role model. My husband is a wonderful father and a fantastic dad. Sure at times he drives me crazy (not is a love song kind-of-way, just crazy crazy) but he is a good dad. My boys are SO lucky to have him as their father and they don't even know it.

But I do.

My Friend Molly

My friend Molly got married today. Her wedding was heartfelt and full of joy. She asked me several months ago to play guitar during her wedding and I was honored to do so.

It is days like today that I am so glad my husband and I moved back to the midwest where we can know our neighbors and feel a connection with people. I loved my time out west and wouldn't trade it for the world. But I am very grateful to be where I am right now.

My 2 oldest boys stayed at the reception with me. I loved talking and dancing(!!) with both of them. They both brought me cake (with a fork!) and made the evening extra special.

There are days when I wonder why I am where I am and why I'm doing what I'm doing. Today, I know why.

Fit

Our new Wii Fit is quickly becoming my best friend. I love all the features and feel motivated to use it each day.

Those Nintendo guys really know what they're doing.

I caught him in my garden in the autumn one night.

He was robbing me.....

Ack! I'm the witch in 4 weeks! FOUR WEEKS!

My Mom

My mom retired yesterday. She has taught for 44 years.

44 years. That simply amazes me.

What is even more amazing, she wasn't really ready to retire. She said she really wanted to go one more year. You see, she still loves going to work/school/her job everyday. Still. loves. it. everyday.

Most people don't even like their job/career. My mom loves hers and was always excited to go.

My sisters and I are having a party for my mom in June. She initally wasn't sure about having a party but I insisted. Here's why... My mom wrote her friends obituary a few years ago when he passed. It was eloquent and thoughtful, full of spirit and heartfelt words. I only wished he could have heard what she had to say about him, what everyone had to say. My hope for this party is my mom will hear from people how much she has meant to them, how much she has touched them. That the world is a better place because my mom woke up happy and spent her days with teenagers talking with them about the world and what they can do to change it.

Most people complain about the world and its problems. I am proud to say my mom is one person who talked the talk and walked the walk for 44 years.

BS

The older I get, the less tolerance I have for BS. Of. any. kind.

Retired

My mentor retired yesterday. She was someone I looked to for support, guidance, advice and most importantly, friendship.

My work life will never be the same.

Sometimes

I feel like I'm still in middle school.

Middle school, which was junior high back when I was in school, sucked. I didn't get most of what my peers were talking about .... tv shows, teen idols, etc etc etc. This not getting it sometimes left me feeling sad and frustrated while at other times, smug. Smug because I didn't watch the "crap" shows my peers were watching or listen to the teen beat music my peers listened to. I also didn't get caught up in the who was friends with who (today). No no no, I was different.

Smug is defined as... adjective, smug·ger, smug·gest.
1.
contentedly confident of one's ability, superiority, or correctness; complacent.

So instead of feeling sad/frustrated/less then, I felt superior and confident? While I wouldn't say confident, I did feel somewhat superior. I felt more grown up in that I intereacted more with adults and listened to music that adults listened to and read books that adults read.

So why do I feel like I'm still in middle school? Now instead of feeling smug, I mostly feel confused and left out. I still don't understand why some people are liked and others are not. Most of the time, the people I really like, really connect with, are not viewed as being "in". I continue to not understand most of my peers, especially the parents of my sons classmates.

I am slowly and painfully coming to the realization that I will never fit in with them nor will they ever like me. Most days I'm ok with that. But some days, the unease I feel is palpable.
1.
readily or plainly seen, heard, perceived, etc.; obvious; evident: a palpable lie; palpable absurdity.
2.
capable of being touched or felt; tangible.

I'm working on finding my smug.

My Birthday

I had the best day yesterday. Every few years, my birthday coincides with Mother's Day, and yesterday was one of those days.

After having a terrible argument with my husband Saturday night(can you say I am a hormonal bitch), I went to bed feeling pretty down. However, Sunday couldn't have turned out better if I do say so myself.

My oldest son went to church with me and sight read the choir anthem. He didn't even grumble when I woke him up! He blesses me so much everyday and continues to amaze with his loving spirit. My middle boy went with my husband to pick out my birthday/mother's day present. He spent some of his hard earned money on part of my present. He is generous and quick to tell me he loves me and still wants to spend time with me! My youngest son helped vacuum and clean the house. He was impressed with my birthday present and wanted to know when he could use it(typical of a 10 year old I'd say).

My boys(husband included) bought me an iPod touch! It is amazing! Alex helped me load music and Sean got the wireless internet going so we could try out the wifi.

After a meal of fajitas and red velvet cake, I feel into bed and said my nightly prayer of... thank you God for letting me be part of this amazing family.

Baby, baby

My baby is 17 today. Last night was his junior prom. He looked so handsome in his tuxedo. His date wore a darling dress - not to mention her todiefor shoes. At the after prom party, Alex won $100! I told him it was his lucky night.

Alex was a wonderful, easy baby. He slept through the night at a very young age, nursed like a champion and changed my life in so many amazing ways.

He was a happy go lucky toddler and preschooler. Very curious, very engaged in learning and very smart! He taught himself how to read and hasn't quit reading since.

He has not been a big fan of school for many years. We think it's because school is not really made for boys. Being the son of a teacher can't be easy for someone that sees through the BS of the public school system.

As a young man, Alex is very open minded and has lots of ideas and thoughts on a variety of subjects. He is VERY liberal in his thinking and beliefs ( Ü ) and is quick to debate with others why they should be too. He is incredibly musically talented and plays guitar and sings like a man much older than his years.

Alex is happy. He has many great friends and enjoys being alive. He isn't afraid to be himself anexpress his thoughts and ideas. I admire his confidence and determination. I like to think that his father and I have made a good home for him to grow up in. That we let him find out who he is and what that means - that we didn't try to make him into what we wanted.

I am a proud mother. I am so blessed to have had this young man in my life for the past 17 years. I can't wait to see what he does next!

Happy birthday Alex. I love you.

Loving what I do and doing what I love

I experienced pure joy last night. I was singing and suddenly realized how happy and free I felt. After not feeling that way for some time, it was nice to get my mojo back.

Unconditional Love

I've made a discovery. It's nothing new and I've known about this for some time. But now, I know.

As a child from a dysfunctional family, my understanding of what is normal is screwed up. I don't want to get into the whole discussion of what is normal, blah blah blah. I do want to talk about love and how in my family it was witheld and conditional.

My feelings were not regarded in the context of knowing something was wrong and unjust and that instead of anything being fixed or changed, I was ignored and shamed. My feelings of self-preservation were noted as me being a bitch and again, I was shamed. I 'm not talking about me getting my way or being allowed to do what I wanted to do. No, I'm talking about my body being my own and having boundaries that were healthy. Knowing that my parents loved me for being me and for being their child. I never felt safe. Never felt ok with being in my own body. Never felt ok just being me.

I've never felt loved like that. Not by my parents. And this weekend, I saw how it continues to affect me. How unhealthy and off-center I still am/can be. I am going to be 45 in one month and I am STILL hounded by my unhealthy childhood.

ugh.

So, unconditional love. I will work everyday to love myself unconditionally and make damn sure that my own children know that I love them in the manner that I deserved and didn't get. No shaming, no demeaning, no belittling.

Love is all you need. Love is all I need.

Orlando

What a trip. Quite interesting for a variety of reasons. Traveling with people you don't "really" know is difficult and stressful.

The weather however was gorgeous. Absolutely, positively gorgeous.

I don't know how

I'm going to tell my youngest boys why I couldn't come to the movie with them.

Today I had to do one of the hardest things I've done in a long, long time. My oldest called to tell me our cat was not acting well. He was crying and that was my cue to come directly home.

I was on my way to meet my boys at the theater. They were already there with friends and I was to join them. Instead, I took my oldest and our cat to the vet where we had to have the conversation about what to do with our desperately ill cat.

Watching a 16 year old cry is awful. Yes, I've seen him cry before, but this time, it was painful.

Part of having pets(in my adult mind) is knowing that they can get sick and die and cost a lot of money, etc etc etc. But, we still take all of this on because the joy and love they give and bring to your family is so worth the price.

Except today, having to make the decision to put our cat down and having my son hear me make that decision was ... I can't even think of a word strong enough to describe the heartache.

Maci was loved. My sons loved her, my husband loved her and I loved her. She was a different cat, not very friendly except on her terms(similar to my 16 and 12 year old). Even though she was with us a short time, we will miss her.

I'm so tired

(I feel like) I haven't slept a wink. (anyone get it?)

I need to change my life. I'm not happy with how I look or feel.

The time has come.

Spring Break '08

This spring break is working out well so far. It's warm enough to play outside and have the windows open during mid day. Also warm enough to wear shorts with a sweat shirt.

My job for this break is to clean out my garage. I don't want this job and can't seem to get anyone to let me quit. ugh.

Yes We Can

Have you seen this yet?

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=jjXyqcx-mYY

I have to post the link because I'm a dork and I don't know how else to post a video.

anyway.... enjoy!

I voted yesterday.

While I was at the polling place, a woman came in to vote and said she had forgotten her id and didn't have anything on her but her cell phone to prove who she was. They let her vote anyway.

They. let. her. vote. anyway.

If a bunch of older women(older women running the polling place) will break the rules so BLATANTLY, why do we all act so surprised when children, youth, adults, etc... break rules. Why?