Baby, baby

My baby is 17 today. Last night was his junior prom. He looked so handsome in his tuxedo. His date wore a darling dress - not to mention her todiefor shoes. At the after prom party, Alex won $100! I told him it was his lucky night.

Alex was a wonderful, easy baby. He slept through the night at a very young age, nursed like a champion and changed my life in so many amazing ways.

He was a happy go lucky toddler and preschooler. Very curious, very engaged in learning and very smart! He taught himself how to read and hasn't quit reading since.

He has not been a big fan of school for many years. We think it's because school is not really made for boys. Being the son of a teacher can't be easy for someone that sees through the BS of the public school system.

As a young man, Alex is very open minded and has lots of ideas and thoughts on a variety of subjects. He is VERY liberal in his thinking and beliefs ( Ü ) and is quick to debate with others why they should be too. He is incredibly musically talented and plays guitar and sings like a man much older than his years.

Alex is happy. He has many great friends and enjoys being alive. He isn't afraid to be himself anexpress his thoughts and ideas. I admire his confidence and determination. I like to think that his father and I have made a good home for him to grow up in. That we let him find out who he is and what that means - that we didn't try to make him into what we wanted.

I am a proud mother. I am so blessed to have had this young man in my life for the past 17 years. I can't wait to see what he does next!

Happy birthday Alex. I love you.

Loving what I do and doing what I love

I experienced pure joy last night. I was singing and suddenly realized how happy and free I felt. After not feeling that way for some time, it was nice to get my mojo back.

Unconditional Love

I've made a discovery. It's nothing new and I've known about this for some time. But now, I know.

As a child from a dysfunctional family, my understanding of what is normal is screwed up. I don't want to get into the whole discussion of what is normal, blah blah blah. I do want to talk about love and how in my family it was witheld and conditional.

My feelings were not regarded in the context of knowing something was wrong and unjust and that instead of anything being fixed or changed, I was ignored and shamed. My feelings of self-preservation were noted as me being a bitch and again, I was shamed. I 'm not talking about me getting my way or being allowed to do what I wanted to do. No, I'm talking about my body being my own and having boundaries that were healthy. Knowing that my parents loved me for being me and for being their child. I never felt safe. Never felt ok with being in my own body. Never felt ok just being me.

I've never felt loved like that. Not by my parents. And this weekend, I saw how it continues to affect me. How unhealthy and off-center I still am/can be. I am going to be 45 in one month and I am STILL hounded by my unhealthy childhood.

ugh.

So, unconditional love. I will work everyday to love myself unconditionally and make damn sure that my own children know that I love them in the manner that I deserved and didn't get. No shaming, no demeaning, no belittling.

Love is all you need. Love is all I need.

Orlando

What a trip. Quite interesting for a variety of reasons. Traveling with people you don't "really" know is difficult and stressful.

The weather however was gorgeous. Absolutely, positively gorgeous.